And if they live together. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. . Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. That was what I meant. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). I give up. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Im in the same situation as well. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. They are content with the status quo. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque GatorGirl Five months later I was pregnant. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Then offer a compromise. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. allathian If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. What way would you not want it to be? Im also curious about how far away the parents live. muchachaenlaventana Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. GatorGirl 1. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. GatorGirl Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. how do we divide furniture? And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. im kind of confused. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. GatorGirl Those conversations should have happened before. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. Go to a zoo! I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. I have a friend whose husband is like this. I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? , silver_dragon_girl Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. You go along with him to his familys house. Two things.. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Also, make plans with friends. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. Agreed. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. However, its also a convenient excuse for If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. its a really exciting time for your relationship! I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. . I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. LW, how about writing back with the details? some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. bittergaymark muchachaenlaventana That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Laura Hope She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung I know many families like this. Get out and DO something. . maybe im misunderstanding you. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. lets_be_honest Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. ReginaRey I am actually not promoting anything. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. So much fun and its free! Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. I think I need more info. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? Which is totally fine for you. Its sad, but it happens. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. lemongrass . So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. A movie? Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. Laura Hope We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? All Im saying is be careful. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. I stand by it. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. Lemongrass I have been marriend two my husband for five years. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. OR look up state parks. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. if it works for you, thats all that matters. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Your Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. The timeline seems off here. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. GatorGirl I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. But Ill tell you what. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. That was my first thought. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. All rights reserved. At best, a season and a half. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. Its just simple, smart, communication! Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Have you explained that to him? ForeverYoung Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. He lived 4.5 hours away. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. ele4phant ReginaRey I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Laura Hope My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. I wouldnt worry about ityet. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. I agree with you both. Dont go this weekend. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Will you LWs simply never learn? But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. 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